Congratulations on your engagement!  I wish you and your beloved nothing but the best.  CNN was kind enough to post an article telling us the most important things about your loved one.  If you agree with CNN’s synopsis, I just wanted to bring your attention to my equally compelling qualifications.

1. “She’s a well-respected attorney.” I wanted to be an attorney.  Correction: I wanted to be the first female Supreme Court Chief Justice.  Or, astronaut.  I am a moderately-respected, mostly-tolerated teacher.  Pretty much the same thing.

2. “Clooney isn’t the only one who finds her attractive.”  

Many find me attractive.  I get lots of compliments at WaWa.  To be fair, they are silent compliments with stares.  You see, when I smile?  My eyes disappear and it looks like I only have eyebrows.  I attract attention.  I also attract vomit.  Baby vomit.  For some reason, they puke on me.  Could be the eyebrows…

3. “She’s a world traveler.”

I have a passport.  I’ve been to the Caribbean and Mexico.  I really want to travel and bring life coaching services to young women around the world…help them find their voices.  But, I’d settle for Epcot.  Plus, Sleeping Beauty and Snow White could use some support.  “What was it about the spindle or apple that was so important?”  “Where did you feel that in your body?”  I know that since they were in long term slumbers that they have had plenty of time to reflect on this.

4. “She’s discreet.”

Google my name.  I’ll wait.  Do you SEE my name linked to any celebrities?  EXACTLY!  (Channing Tatum, Marky Mark, D.B. Woodside, Dominic Purcell, 90210’s David Silver after graduation but before addiction, Carlos Bernard, Any of The Doctor Who Doctors- Tennant or Smith especially- pay attention!)   The article lists your bride-to-be as 36.  I have at least 30ish more months of discretion on her.  Do you know the name of my 6th grade boyfriend?  See!  We held hands roller skating and everything.

5. “Alamuddin must be special.”

This is implied because you “had no desire to marry again.”  I’m pretty special.  I have no desire to marry again.  Neither does my husband.  I tell my husband on a regular basis how happy he is to have married me.